#NHLSexActs became a trending topic worldwide yesterday. Taking something about a player and making it dirty isn't new... but it's FREAKING HILARIOUS!
Here are just some of the amazingly funny #NHLSexActs:
The Derek Roy: Go down even though she did nothing to warrant it.
The Marian Hossa: You keep whoring yourself out and wonder why you never get a ring.
The Patrick Roy: Perform terribly; don't pull out; throw up your arms in mock celebration; then accuse her of humiliating you.
The Vancouver Canucks Fan: Tell the Leaf fan how great you are despite being a virgin that's just overcompensating.
The Pierre McGuire: She compensates for being useless by making loud noises and calling you a monster.
The Lanny McDonald: Mustache rides are not optional.
The Senators fan: Something boring, in a motel outside of town.
Montreal'n it: Rigorous public masturbation accompanied by an "Ole" chant.
The Dominic Hasek: Flop around for 60 minutes and then blame everyone else involved for overall performance and satisfaction unless it was great, then take all credit
The Jacques Plante: Getting shot in the face so hard... she needs to put a mask on
The Pavel Datsyuk: Dangle, dangle, then pull it away and slap her in the face with it
The Henrik Sedin: Good by himself, better with his twin around to help.
The Marc-Andre Fleury: Gets in lots of interesting positions, but sometimes you wish he'd keep things simple.
The Niklas Kronwall: All of a sudden you're flat on your back, and everything hurts
The Chris Chelios: When it goes on way longer than it probably should have with no end in sight.
The Evander Kane: Won't take long before you're going down.
The Rangers: You overpay for the best girl, she disappoints, you send her to Canada
The Brian Rolston: Big shot, but can never get it in
The Kovalchuk: Everyone watches your smooth moves, but with all eyes on you, you can't seem to finish.
The Sean Avery: Sloppy firsts.
The Daniel Carcillo: Otherwise known as the Dirty Sanchez.
The Sidney Crosby: Pretty much the same as the Alex Ovechkin... only it lasts a lot longer.
The Patrick Kane: Suitable for Buffalo prostitutes with change purses
The Don Cherry: No foreigners.
The Mark Messier: When your mans got tremendous stamina and technique but you gotta deal with all of that crying when it's all over.
The Ollie Jokinen: He looks great from afar but you'd gnaw your own arm off to be rid of him once he's in your bed
The Martin Brodeur: Keeps going for a long, long time despite other people saying that they shouldn't. Ends up tiring out before the climax
The Danny Briere: ... Let's just say that to some, size DOES matter
The Luongo: On your knees, blowing the game
The Drew Miller: You enjoy it, but you’re thinking about his brother the whole time
The Detroit Red Wings: Just when you think it's all over, they go at it harder than ever
Actual DET/TOR call "Cheveldae's down on all fours, but Gilmour can't get it up!!"
Jeff Marek of Hockey Night In Canada came up with this one.
Below are a few that I came up with:
The Marian Hossa: Choking when you're almost there
The Ovechkin: Screwed by Canadians from Vancouver to Montreal
The Dan Boyle: Don't screw his Goalie... THAT’S HIS JOB!
The Pavel Datsyuk: Got'cha undressed before you even knew what happened
The Kris Draper: Gettin’ it all for a dollar
The Brett Hull: Always making the Europeans do the work and finishing it
The Dion Phaneuf: Sloppy Seconds always welcome