Saturday, May 8, 2010

NHL Sex Acts?!?

#NHLSexActs became a trending topic worldwide yesterday. Taking something about a player and making it dirty isn't new... but it's FREAKING HILARIOUS!

Here are just some of the amazingly funny #NHLSexActs:

The Derek Roy: Go down even though she did nothing to warrant it.

The Marian Hossa: You keep whoring yourself out and wonder why you never get a ring.

The Patrick Roy: Perform terribly; don't pull out; throw up your arms in mock celebration; then accuse her of humiliating you.

The Vancouver Canucks Fan: Tell the Leaf fan how great you are despite being a virgin that's just overcompensating.

The Pierre McGuire: She compensates for being useless by making loud noises and calling you a monster.

The Lanny McDonald: Mustache rides are not optional.

The Senators fan: Something boring, in a motel outside of town.

Montreal'n it: Rigorous public masturbation accompanied by an "Ole" chant.

The Dominic Hasek: Flop around for 60 minutes and then blame everyone else involved for overall performance and satisfaction unless it was great, then take all credit

The Jacques Plante: Getting shot in the face so hard... she needs to put a mask on

The Pavel Datsyuk: Dangle, dangle, then pull it away and slap her in the face with it

The Henrik Sedin: Good by himself, better with his twin around to help.

The Marc-Andre Fleury: Gets in lots of interesting positions, but sometimes you wish he'd keep things simple.

The Niklas Kronwall: All of a sudden you're flat on your back, and everything hurts

The Chris Chelios: When it goes on way longer than it probably should have with no end in sight.

The Evander Kane: Won't take long before you're going down.

The Rangers: You overpay for the best girl, she disappoints, you send her to Canada

The Brian Rolston: Big shot, but can never get it in

The Kovalchuk: Everyone watches your smooth moves, but with all eyes on you, you can't seem to finish.

The Sean Avery: Sloppy firsts.

The Daniel Carcillo: Otherwise known as the Dirty Sanchez.

The Sidney Crosby: Pretty much the same as the Alex Ovechkin... only it lasts a lot longer.

The Patrick Kane: Suitable for Buffalo prostitutes with change purses

The Don Cherry: No foreigners.

The Mark Messier: When your mans got tremendous stamina and technique but you gotta deal with all of that crying when it's all over.

The Ollie Jokinen: He looks great from afar but you'd gnaw your own arm off to be rid of him once he's in your bed

The Martin Brodeur: Keeps going for a long, long time despite other people saying that they shouldn't. Ends up tiring out before the climax

The Danny Briere: ... Let's just say that to some, size DOES matter

The Luongo: On your knees, blowing the game

The Drew Miller: You enjoy it, but you’re thinking about his brother the whole time

The Detroit Red Wings: Just when you think it's all over, they go at it harder than ever

Actual DET/TOR call "Cheveldae's down on all fours, but Gilmour can't get it up!!"
Jeff Marek of Hockey Night In Canada came up with this one.

Below are a few that I came up with:

The Marian Hossa: Choking when you're almost there

The Ovechkin: Screwed by Canadians from Vancouver to Montreal

The Dan Boyle: Don't screw his Goalie... THAT’S HIS JOB!

The Pavel Datsyuk: Got'cha undressed before you even knew what happened

The Kris Draper: Gettin’ it all for a dollar

The Brett Hull: Always making the Europeans do the work and finishing it

The Dion Phaneuf: Sloppy Seconds always welcome

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